I have never been more ashamed of my hometown, my home state, and my country. I have no words to describe what happened at this "town hall" in Red Bank, NJ (not technically my hometown, but right next to it... and I was born there!) about a week or so ago. You may have already seen this or read about it, but if you haven't, please do:

Can there be any room for a centrist at a health care reform town hall meeting

OK, I guess I have one word to describe this, which would have to be "BOOOOO!!!"

I mean, they are booing this woman who is pouring her heart out about the medical bills she has to pay. Then they boo her when she mentions her mortgage, because people now think that anyone who has a high mortgage was an idiot for ever buying a house when they shouldn't have. Well, who knows when this woman bought her house? Who knows when she became ill? This could happen to everyone. It's the American Dream, right?

It's not that they booed a woman in a wheelchair. Hell, Dick Cheney was in a wheelchair at Obama's inauguration, and I would have taken a crap in his lap if I could have. It's that they didn't listen to her. The instant they realized she was pro-reform, she was shouted down. It didn't matter what else she had to say.

Full disclosure, I am for health reform, but something other than what's being offered. I think, so far, Obama has dropped the ball on this one. He's too hands off and needs to get his hands dirty. I think he's about to do that, but it might be too little, too late.

Also, to be clear, I am pro-death panels, as long as I get to be on the death panel, and as long as all of the people in that video are up for, um, Death Paneling.

How many bands, by the way, have probably changed their name to The Obama Death Panels? I know I would.

I am really scared of the Glenn Becks of the world. I guarantee you that if you polled that audience, 95% of the angry booing people watch Glenn Beck. He's a fucking nutjob.

Anyway, sorry for the lame blog post. I was going to post this link to Facebook, but had too much to say, I guess. So there you have it.

To recap:

People in New Jersey are assholes
I'd shit on Dick Cheney
The Obama Death Panels is a good band name
Obama has been stinky so far
Whoever boos loudest wins

It has been almost two months since I last blogged. Sorry. You can follow me on the Twitter for more frequent and much smaller updates.

So what happened? Steve McNair killed Michael Jackson in a murder-suicide. Pretty crazy.

I had a lot of thoughts on this Michael Jackson thing, but who cares? I thought the whole thing was completely overblown and ridiculous, so I decided to not pay attention. That's all I can say.

You don't come here for my Michael Jackson thoughts, do you? No, you come here to see if I've updated. Then you leave. Oh, I found something I posted a long time ago about MJ. You can read that.

The other day I'm walking home, and I see this dude. He is eating a sandwich of some sort, possibly a wrap, with one hand, then he starts trying to text message with the other hand. This could be a challenge for anyone while walking, but this dude was riding a bike. If you are going to ride a bike in a downtown area, even if it is just Cleveland, you need at least one hand.

So obviously his plan didn't work so well. Maybe he was trying to update his Facebook status or Twitter page. @coolbikedude69 got a sweet chicken wrap from the deli and riding my bike. You know, it's important to know these things about your friends. But anyway, his front wheel starts to wobble and he has to stop. Then he slaps his handle bars. Like it was his bike's fault for not complying.

"Hey bike. I'm going to be a douche bag and eat this sandwich and Tweet about it. Take it from here. BIKE GO HOME NOW."

I assume that last part was because he thought his bike was voice activated.

What else has happened? I jumped out of a plane and then puked. Now I know that Tilt-A-Whirls and skydiving make me want to vomit. If I had to do one again, though, I'd jump from a plane.

Cleveland seems to be turning into a real city all of the sudden. I've seen things recently that I only ever used to see in New York. Guy peeing on the sidewalk! Gay rollerbladers! Um, the bike thing up there! I think that's it! But that's a lot for Cleveland! Oh, heard some people speaking French. What's up with that? In Cleeeeveland? Never!

Oh crap! I forgot there is a Michael Jackson candle light vigil going on at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame right now. So I have to go. Tomorrow there will be a vigil and a memorial for no more Michael Jackson coverage. What will CNN do? That Iran shit is over.

Dr. Phil just said, "I don't care if she's setting you on fire, you don't lay your hands on a woman." Any of you bitches set me on fire, I will at least grab you by the shoulders and yell "WHY ARE YOU SETTING ME ON FIRE, YOU CRAZY WOMAN?!" And if at any point you feel I push you too hard, well, that's just the fire talking and I apologize.

Oh, why am I watching Dr. Phil, you ask? When I wake up in the morning, I turn on the NBC to get my weather from the chubby chick on the local news (I wake up before chubby Al Roker does his weather). So when I get home and turn on the TV, Dr. Phil is giving bad life advice to bad people.

Toole Dot Blogspot Dot Com Challenge! This one is for the ladies. Can one of my readers who is also a female please try to set Dr. Phil on fire? Let me know what happens. Get it on tape. I want to see if he's still a perfect Southern gentleman. Thanks.

I continued my 2009 tradition of attending baseball games on holidays by going to the Indians game on Mother's Day. As I approached my seat, I thought, How nice. I will sit behind this lady who is here with her family on Mother's Day. Then I got to my seat and realized this was a dude with some very filthy hair. I am pretty sure his hair had swine flu.



It was so gross and greasy. He also had lots of dandruff. I didn't want to put my beer in the cup holder in fear that a hair or a hamster would fall out of it. It was really disgusting. I thought of maybe recommending Head & Shoulders. It would probably work better than what he currently uses, which I think is Wesson Oil & Mosquitoes.

My favorite part was this guy's granddaughter was sitting next to him and at one point she kept touching his hair. She was playing with him, kind of like bopping him on the head. I wanted to put her in a dishwasher. Anyway, later they left and had gone to the team shop, I guess, because he came back with a hat on. But while they were gone, we had some peanuts. There were some peanut shells and peanut shell dust that got on this girl's seat. She wiped it down for about a minute and looked absolutely horrified by peanut debris. Little girl, you just had your hands in hair that appears to be made of glue, SARS and Parmesan cheese. I think peanuts are okay.

Unless she was allergic to peanuts. In that case, stay away from baseball games.

If I was a "mic'd up" professional sports player or coach, I would be so happy. I hate hearing forced conversations like the one they just showed during the Cavs game between the Cavs' head coach and the refs. It was just kind of dumb and unnecessary. If I was mic'd up, I would try to get some more interesting conversations going. Or at least try to get a rise out of some teammates.

Hey, that chick we did that thing with last night. You think she died?

Just so you know, when you're sliding into first and you feel something burst, diarrhea... diarrhea...

When was the last time you shit your pants?

Which is your least favorite minority? Overall and in this dugout.

The one URL that consistently shows up on my sitemeter (even when I wasn't blogging) is this one. I talked about it here way back when, but I am just confused as to why it produces so many hits. I find it odd. I also still get plenty of hits for Google searches asking about bat shit in Doritos.

Oh, hey, if anyone knows anyone who works for The Great Doritos Corporation of America, can you please ask them why they don't make the Guacamole Doritos anymore? It's so sad.

Haha. I just went to their web site and while it's loading, it says "Prepare to take snacking to a higher level." You know, because your snacking lately has been totally lax! You snack like a pussy!

You know what I used to take for granted in New York? Blimp sightings. Oh, and crack cocaine.

Oh shit, I forgot I had a blog. Sorry, everyone. How awesome would it be if I announced my second retirement? It would be so very Favre of me. I've always said I should be more Favre-like, which explains my stubble and addiction to painkillers.

So what's up? Last weekend was Easter, so I did what any good Catholic boy should do and I went to watch a baseball game.




Jews! Easter Jews!

Cleveland is so black and white that it really is surprising to see any other ethnicity, religion (other than some form of Christianity) or hear a different language. When I lived in New York, I wouldn't even notice a Jewish person. Here, it's like, "HOLY SHIT! A JEW! THREE OF THEM!" Now I know why people stare. And to hear a different language in Cleveland? Unless I am at the Chinese joint in the food court (pretty much the Chinatown of Cleveland), the only time I hear a different language is if I am watching Lost and they are doing a Sun and Jin back story.

Anyway, I go to a lot of baseball games out here. I was at a game about two years ago and said to someone, "You'd think Sherwin-Williams would get a logo that's a little more green." Well, three years later and they haven't.



I mean, come on! Your logo is a gigantic paint can covering the earth with paint. You might as well add a guy taking a shit on it and maybe someone raping it. Or maybe someone shitting in Al Gore's mouth. That would be a good one. It would make me buy your paint.

Okay, I guess that's all I have for you right now. Let me just make sure. Easter Jews, Sherwin-Williams shitting in Al Gore's mouth. Yup, that's all I wanted to talk about. Good day.

Oh, one last thing. Since everyone and their Oprah has a Twitter account these days, you can follow me there if that's your thing. I'm not sure it's my thing, but oh well.

I Googled "drew carey sucks" earlier, and somehow, this is the first image that shows up.



OK, sure. Anyway, I am working the overnight for the next two weeks, and while I used to love staying up "late" to watch TPIR, Drew Carey has just plain ruined it. No one could have followed Bob, but Drew is pretty much unwatchable.

Seeing this video compilation the other day only made me miss Bob even more. I'm sure those tribal children up there would agree.

I was doing some actual grown-up reading earlier, then saw this poll (pole!) and turned into a 12-year-old.

Hey, happy tea party day! So Glenn Beck is about three weeks away from doing his show completely covered in his own shit, right? OK, just making sure.

I was running late this morning because I had to pop a zit. I felt like I was on Saved By The Bell. I was Kelly.

Every once in a while when I'm at work and I'm walking back from the bathroom, I have this awful feeling that my dick is out. I quickly realize this is not the case, but it's a moment of unparalleled fear. You never know. Maybe something above the urinal distracted me - maybe a flier about a charitable donation or a huge booger - and I just totally forgot to do the one thing you need to do when leaving a urinal. Anyway, if I work with you and you see me walking around with my nethers showing, give me a heads up.

The same rule applies to if I have something in my teeth. Be subtle about it. Don't confuse the two, either. "Mike, you have a dick in your teeth."

Hey, so Talk Like A Pirate Day might have a different feel this year, huh? Learn your Somali now, bitches! Or I guess you can just talk about revenge deaths on French and Americans.

It's funny when you really put something like Talk Like A Pirate Day in perspective. Imagine going back to, oh, I don't know. Let's say 67 BC and telling someone there that in America (oh, we'll explain America later) we have a day where we say Arggh and stuff. It's hilarious. Then they'd say something like, "Oh, well, do you also rape and pillage on this day? Do you have Rape Like A Pirate Day?" Imagine in however many years, someone decides to make September 11th Talk Like A Terrorist Day. Just a bunch of people at work saying wacky things like Death to America and Praise Be To Allah and performing fake beheadings.

Anyway, I'm tired. Good night to you.

I don't think I have to tell you that Cleveland is nothing like New York. Every once in a while, though, something happens that reminds me of the big city.

We had a cold spell this winter (pretty much from October 1 - probably middle of June). There was about one week where the wind chills were way below zero. I was walking to work, and when I first left my apartment, I thought that it wasn't too bad. The wind wasn't blowing, which makes all the difference. But when the temperature is about negative 10 (that was the real temp... not the wind chill), eventually, it doesn't matter that there isn't any wind. It's just damn cold.

Anyway, I was walking and about two blocks into my walk, I felt a funny feeling in my nose. At first, my nose started running, then it completely froze. It was odd. That's just an example of how cold it was.

About a block away from work, a chubby little lady started crossing the street. She did not have the right of way, but I think because it was so cold, she didn't care. Problem is, there is a car coming, which did have the right of way.

Keep in mind, it's about 6:30 in the morning. There isn't a lot of traffic. So this one car, a pick-up truck, starts beeping at the lady. She is a slooow walker. Her chunky little legs must have been frozen. The car keeps honking. He has to slow down, but just barely. It didn't really take much time out of his commute. As he is driving by (remember, it's fucking freezing out), he lowers his window, sticks his head out the window and yells, "HOOOONNNK!" He actually yelled "honk." Because his horn didn't get the point across.

I credit his unoriginality to the cold. Clearly, "It says don't walk, you oompa loompa!" would have been a better thing to shout. It would have stung a little more. But he was probably so cold when he rolled down his window, he forgot what he was going to say and all he could do was repeat the last thing he heard, which happened to be his car horn.

Oh well. It made me laugh. You usually don't see that kind of anger or road rage out here. One thing I don't miss at all about New York are the honking horns. But I can take a horn once in a while, as long as it is followed by someone then doing an impression of said horn.

things come back. van halen. futurama. jesus. the red sox in '04. herpes. so why can't i?

a few things have made me want to get back to blogging. sure, there was The Team to Force Toole to Start Blogging Again Club on facebook, which was flattering, but then it ran to a halt, which was not very flattering. i am sure after a few posts, someone will start "the team to get toole to stop blogging again."

anyway, just had some crap rattling around in my noggin for a while. so i will start blogging about it again.

miss you. love you. will talk to you again soon.

mike

Hey, it's been a fun almost five years. But this will be the last post on toole dot blogspot dot com. Thanks for reading. Thanks for writing. Thanks for being YOU! But I am done with this blog. Perhaps another one will sprout up in the future, but right now, I am putting this one to bed. In the meantime, you can try to find me at random bars. I'll be the guy in the goggles.

Peace out!

mike

I had an asthma attack the other day. I probably get two a year, if that. Anyway, I couldn't locate my inhaler, so that was a problem. I had to go to a drug store to find some Primatene Mist. It is sometimes hard to find, because kids like to buy it to get an adrenalin rush. So some places won't carry it. You know, because it's more important to make sure some dumb, idiot kids don't die, as opposed to someone suffering from an asthma attack.

Anyway, the first store I went to did not have it. But before I found that out, I scanned the shelves. Next to me was an employee doing some stocking. I asked her if she had Primatene Mist. "You know (WHEEEEEEEEEZE), for asthma attacks (WHEEEEEEEEEZE)?" So she looked around at a few things and said, "No, I don't think so. But this might help." She pointed to Gas-X. I am not sure she knew what asthma was.

Anyway, I eventually found it at another store and did not die. So that was nice.

The more I see of Barack Obama, the less I think he is black. I mean, I know he's black, but he doesn't look black. I think he's more charcoal gray. I think he will be our first charcoal gray president.

Word to the wise: Don't go see No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood within three days of each other. It might hurt your brain. I mean, see both movies, but you need to see something retarded in between. Might I suggest Meet the Spartans. Just kidding. Please don't see that. For the good of your brain. Just take a week off between films.

You know how I have blogged about the nastiness of my work bathroom in the past, well today, it appeared that someone was making some sort of chicken mushroom broth in one of the stalls. I know that a lot of people at work read this, so if you are reading this, and you are thinking -- What's so bad about not flushing my shit or putting pubes on the toilet seat? -- well, you are the reason everyone else hates using the bathroom.

Although, without the people who crap up the bathroom at work, I would have nothing to talk about with lots of people. So I guess for the good of small talk, keep doing it. And yes, that is what I use as small talk. Instead of, "How was your weekend?" I like to ask, "See all those pubes?"

Labels: asthma, bastard in a basket, broth recipes, pubes

Yay, football!



Since Eli won, I was going to post the Imminent Death Syndrome Mr. Show sketch, but I can't find it. Instead, here is The Audition. It is hilarious. Enjoy.

I went to Subway today for lunch. I got a veggie sandwich, because the "meat" was looking extra slimy today. So veggies for me. Anyway, when I got to the guy at the register, he's all sucky at English, so he says to me, "Foot long wedgie?" Ha! No, thank you, sir! I'll just take my sandwich and go!

Jimmy Carter -- the man makes a good point.

If you've ever wondered, Hey, I wonder if I have any paper cuts and don't know about them, I suggest you peel an orange. Holy nuts. I wasn't wondering if I had any, but I found out pretty fast.

I have not been so into the election yet, but I guess it is time to pay attention, huh? I like Ron Paul, only because he seems like he's kind of crazy, yet smart. That's a good combo. I also like what I heard from John Edwards in the last debate, but he can't fight the Clinton/Obama machines. Again, he still has that John Ritter nice guy look about him. He also talked way too much about how he came from a family of mill workers.

Whenever I drive back to New Jersey, there is this little town we pass that I want to move to. Tania does not. I tell her that I can work at the old mill. I don't know if they have an old mill, but it's a nice thought.

Here is my most insensitive joke in a while. We were watching one of the debates recently, and the candidates got to talking about what kind of Cabinets they would have. Bill Richardson said, "If I'm elected president, I'm going to have a Cabinet of Republicans, Democrats and independents." And then I said, "And Goya beans!"

I need to get into this election more, so if you have any recommendations, I am all ears.

Qualifications:

Must believe in evolution.
Must not be Mitt Romney.

That's pretty much it. Thanks.

Too bad about the evolution/Huckabee thing. He seems like a totally normal dude, otherwise.

GET ME A WHOPPER!



I love people freaking out about Whoppers. I could watch that all day. OK, not all day. I didn't even watch the entire seven minute video. The commercials amuse me.

Speaking of commercials, this one seems to have somehow increased its airing for some reason. The only reason I find this one funny is because it says in the beginning, "Professional driver. Closed course."



Be careful, kids. Do not attempt to drive your Jeep with singing animals.

Happy new year. Another party at my apartment, another person puking in the bathroom. This time, they thought the sink would be a better place to do so than the toilet. Apparently, at some point, they realized their folly of vomiting in the sink and moved it over to the toilet. Another party goer was nice enough to clean up some of it. I won't get too into the details, but rumor has it there was a piece of sausage somewhere.

Sausage party!

Speaking of meat, here is an update on my 2008 bacon consumption.

Actual text message from a Cleveland sports fan:

i hope peyton manning dies in a drunk driving accident. and i hope the guy who hits him is dustin pedroia.

Every time I see a commercial for ER, I say, "Wait. ER is still on?" I say this every time. It's in my contract. I can't believe it is still on. Not that it's a bad show. It might be bad or maybe it's good, but I haven't watched it since Gilbert from Revenge of the Nerds died. I just feel like they already had a last episode.

Hey, since I have not much to blog about today, here are some random gmail chat lines, both about humping:

Jeff: If you really want that you should put it in your will because I'm going to be way too focused on getting a picture of myself humping your gravestone to take care of any requests.

----------------------------------------------

William: Although skirt might lead to not so dry humping.
me: skirt? dry humping? i am confused
William: Sorry. That was for someone else.
Innappropriate all the way around.
me: you freaky bastard!
William: I was threatening to dry hump someone.
Skirts don't work well for that.
Everybody knows.
me: oh. totally
yeah, i totally suck on balls
oh, sorry. that was meant for someone else
William: I will totally strike that from my memory then.
me: i floss with my own pubes
dammit! again, sorry

Things to do in the new year:

Blog less.
Eat more bacon.
Remember to notify my notifylist on the rare occasion I do blog.

Sorry, notifylist.

Way back when, I got suckered in to subscribing to Cinemax. It was one of those deals where you get it free for a few months, but then you start paying, but I was all, "I'll cancel that shit before that happens." But I never did. So every once in a while, I watch a movie on Cinemax to make up for paying for it. (According to my friend Alberto, this is Cinemax -- "Oh, is this the channel that has movies where chicks hump guys on their belly buttons?")

Yes it is.

Anyway, the other night I watched Snakes on a Plane. Great film. If you haven't seen it, it's about these snakes that are in high school and vow to lose their virginity on spring break. They make this vow while on an airplane, hence the title.

Because I have nothing to really blog about and am just blogging for the sake of blogging (kind of like watering a plant that brings you little joy), here are some of my Netflix movie reviews:

Snakes on a Plane: Packs an emotional wallop similar to Schindler's List. But instead of the little girl in the red coat, a guy gets bit on the dick by a snake.

Rabbit Proof Fence: I haven't seen this movie, but I always think that is Kiefer Sutherland on the cover. And I think it's a movie about him being a farmer who has rabbits ruining his crops. So he gets a fence.



Rumor Has It: i have not seen this movie, but it's about a grandmother, a mother, and a daughter doing kevin costner. don't rent it.

Mannequin: Roger Ebert gave this movie half a star. He had a stroke about twenty years later. Heads up. Don't give this movie half a star.

The Last Kiss: Watching this movie was like having diarrhea for an hour and 44 minutes.

Hustle & Flow: It's like they watched my life and then put it up on the big screen. Except for the drugs, the rapping, the guns, the hookers and the black people, this is exactly like my life.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith: imagine the letter "Y" in the Hollywood sign took a crap. this is what would come out.

That's all I have for you. Good day.

So yeah, in the previous post a couple of people left comments about the odd layout of my building. Well, since no one really stays in downtown Cleveland (or Cleveland at all, really), my building is just prepping everyone for the suburbs, so we have cul-de-sacs. And it's a former warehouse, so there are some odd layouts here and there.

I enjoy watching Wade Phillips coach. He looks like a guy who won some sort of contest to be a head coach. He just seems like a generally happy man. Honestly, when was the last time you saw an NFL coach this content?



It's almost enough to make me kind of root for the Cowboys. Almost. Plus, he kind of looks like Bob Newhart, which I think adds to his likability. I imagine Bob Newhart's pep talks to get the team rallied would be awesome. Just a lot of stammering and throat clearing and fake phone conversations with dead people.

I like when they show the clip of Ray Lewis trying to fire up the team before games. Like when he yells, "What time is it?!" and his teammates all yell, "Game time!" I like to yell out, "It's twelve forty five!" Or sometimes I mix it up and yell, "Quarter to one!"

I absolutely love how FOX has injury music.

Gmail chat is a fun thing. I know instant messaging has been around for a while, but somehow Gchat is more fun. And it produces some funny shit. When I have nothing to blog about, I am going to start taking lines and make posts out of them. For example:

Meg: immediately, i started compiling a list in my head of the top ten worst things to say to a retarded celebrity